


maybe i should try harder

by goandneverlookback



Series: prom queen au [2]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, F/F, Growth, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:48:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28974633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goandneverlookback/pseuds/goandneverlookback
Summary: the darker version of i was never cut out for prom queenheavy angst, sorry guys
Relationships: Trixie Mattel/Katya Zamolodchikova
Series: prom queen au [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2125269
Kudos: 7





	maybe i should try harder

Bright red nails drum against the counter as she eyes the clock. The minute hand ticks past and she hums to herself, hands flowing through the movements of making two cups of tea, milk and sugar in each. She softly pads down the hall to the bedroom door she nudges open with her toes.  
"Babe," the long haired blonde sitting on the bed looks up from where she's been picking at the guitar on her lap. The wrinkles between her brows soften at the sight of her girlfriend. No, her _fiance_. She sets aside the guitar and gently reaches to both the girl and the tea she offers. The smaller of the two hands over the soft pink mug before picking up a handful of papers covering the bed. Boxes line the walls, some labelled, some not, some full, some neatly packed, some mostly empty or haphazardly filled with items no longer needed. She takes a seat on the bed and Trixie immediately scoots closer to lean her head on Katya's shoulder. "What did you find?" She feels Trixie shrug against her as she sighs.  
"Just songs I jotted down the chords to years ago." Katya looks down at the top sheet in her hand, the lyrics bringing memories flooding back.

_Shut up/ count your calories/ i never looked good in mom jeans/ wish i was like you/ blue eyed blondie/ perfect body/ maybe i should try harder_

She screws her eyes shut against the onslaught of more tears as she flops backwards onto her bed, turning up the music coursing through her headphones to drown out the noise in her brain. 'College will be better,' they told her. 'College will be good for you.' Good. What's good, she wonders. Her thighs burn. Her joints ache. But there is still this hole in her chest that won't go away. She builds up walls and walls around her heart against the stares of the people around her. The way they throw their glances like knives, the way they whisper when they think she's far enough away not to care. Black painted fingernails dance across the ridges of her ribcage, resonating with the hollow emptiness underneath. She triple checks the door to her room is locked before crawling under the covers. Anxiety and isolation have whittled away at her appetite until it's nowhere to be found. But she can be stronger. She doesn't need anyone. She doesn't need anything. She has the ground beneath her feet for miles and miles to take the edge off until fear tears her from her sleep and she starts the day running just like she ended the day before. People mill around the student union as she holds tight to her thermos of coffee, sweater hanging limply off jaunting collarbones. She wishes she could just disappear. To exist so alone, in a sea of people who at best want nothing to do with her… She takes a deep breath and pushes forward, bracing herself for the cold wind outside. It cuts through her as soon as the door opens, dashing all hopes of warming up today.

_You should lower your beauty standards/ i'm no quick curl barbie/ i was never cut out for prom queen/ if i'm pretty, will you like me?_

She sits alone, strumming her guitar to ease the ache in her chest and the itch in her fingers. Her mind whirs with perceived failures and she fights it. Nails get filed down and painted a soft pink. Soft thighs spread out beneath her and she forces her eyes to the sheet of chords in front of her. She fills the room with a melody to drown out the voices ringing in her ears, fills her vision with the music she's creating to block out the gazes dragged up and down her body today. The hunger in their eyes, the way nothing that came out of her mouth would mean anything to them. And on the other hand the judgment in the eyes of others, for the way she fills out her clothes, for the way she makes up her face, for the way she fights to control the kind of attention she'll attract. All this attention and still...no one. She plays and she plays and she plays until the hole in her chest gapes open a little less than before. She sheds her clothes, standing bare in front of the mirror, scrutinizing what she sees. Fingers dance across the tops of her thighs, close to her hips, crossing her arms to hide even more marring just one of her upper arms. She clenches her jaw as it starts to quiver. Today isn't worth it. She won't throw away more than a year of progress for people who won't matter. All she has is herself, someone she's trying so hard to learn to be gentle with. She breaks away from the mirror to tug on clean underwear and an oversized tee before crawling into bed, setting music to play, drowning out her thoughts as it lures her to sleep. The next morning comes too early, her alarm clock blaring music too upbeat for her current state of mind. She floats through her morning routine in a haze, checking the weather before throwing on a jacket over her sweater and striding out the door, trying to exude a confidence she's not yet managed to find.

_Teach me how to be okay_

She drapes her jacket over the back of the chair before sliding into her seat, pulling out the materials for class and gazing over them. The notes in front of her mean nothing when her mind is stuck so far inside itself. Movement out of the corner of her eye catches her attention as someone slips into the seat beside her, folding herself as close as possible to the edge of the row. She doesn't mean to stare at the girl, who seems to quiver uncontrollably as she sets a notebook on the desk and immediately draws the cup of coffee into her thin chest. Her sharp cheekbones are nearly windburnt from the biting cold this morning, gaunt cheeks sinking in further as she wraps her lips around the opening of the thermos. The girl crosses her legs and seems to try to fold in even further on herself and her heart tugs.

She nearly jumps out of her seat as something heavy drops around her shoulders, wrapping around her arms. She whips her head to the side and there's...a girl? With a soft smile across her full face, soft brown eyes full of a warmth it's been so long since she's felt. Her eyes drop to the jacket dwarfing her torso. The girl in front of her shrugs, cheeks dimpling as her smile grows ever so slightly.  
"You looked cold." She swallows past the lump of anxiety in her throat as she nods.  
"Thank you." Her voice comes out barely more than a hoarse whisper, dragging across vocal cords that haven't been used in...she could lose herself in the honey rich tone of the girl staring back at her.  
"You look cute in my jacket. I'm Trixie." Trixie holds out her hand, steady, warm. She reaches out her own, bony and dry, trying to still the tremors coursing through to her fingertips. Trixie grasps it in hers and the feeling reverberates through her like a shock.  
"Katya." 

_I wanna be okay_

She takes Trixie's hand in hers, twisting the engagement ring back and forth. Six years ago she'd never have imagined she'd end up here. The odds that somehow, those two people found each other. Katya cut her hair to her collarbones, stopped hiding her face as much. The confidence Trixie faked ebbed and flowed into something gentle and genuine. Not a day goes by that Katya wouldn't willingly lose herself in the soft fullness of Trixie, but it isn't such a stark contrast to Katya's frame nowadays. The lines scarring Trixie's skin have faded more and more as time goes on, and in that time so has the desire to create more. Trixie tugs the empty mug from Katya's hand, setting both of theirs aside before firmly nudging her to lay back, sitting on her narrow hips and pinning her to the bed. The giggle that ripples up from Katya's chest sends warmth in Trixie's ears to radiate through her whole body.  
"Baby, come on. We still have things to do if we want to get you moved in tomorrow." Trixie leans down to steal a kiss before tucking her head under Katya's chin.  
"But right now we're right here." Katya can't help but grin as she wraps her arms around Trixie. Right now feels perfect, settling into each other and reminiscing on how far they've come. And so she doesn't push. The sound of Katya's heartbeat lures Trixie to sleep, her sleep even breaths in turn luring Katya to the same.

**Author's Note:**

> much love to everyone. be kind to yourselves <3


End file.
